Will Louisville Provide Free Cars?

Will Louisville Metro government soon be giving free automobiles to the citizens of Jefferson County? A proposed ordinance, filed today at the Louisville Metro Council, may do just that. Councilman Huey Long (D-27) introduced a proposal, under the title “Worker’s Transportation Fairness,” which would provide late-model used vehicles (cars and pickup trucks) to needy citizens in the Louisville Metro area.

“Poor folks got to get to work somehow,” said Councilman Long, at a mid-morning presser at Metro Hall, “and TARC keeps cutting back on its routes. My WTF bill will solve that problem.”

Although Louisville Mayor Greg Fischer has not yet taken a position on the proposed program, he reminded his constituents: “Being a compassionate city is both the right thing and the necessary thing to do to ensure that we take care of all of our citizens. There’s a role for all of us in making sure no one is left behind or goes walking.”

Compassion can take many forms, Fischer said, ranging from free school lunches, free cellphones, free heroin needles, and free WiFi access. Fisher was doubtless referring to the announcements during the past three weeks that the Jefferson County Public Schools would begin giving away free lunches for children during the summer months, the Jefferson County Department of Public Health would begin giving away free hypodermic needles to drug addicts, and the Metro Council is planning to give free WiFi access to West End residents. None of these programs is “means tested,” so people of all income levels are invited to participate in this municipal largesse.

“This pilot WTF program brings critical connectivity to residents, businesses and visitors, giving them 24/7 access to Louisville’s many roads, highways and shopping venues. Now, people can live in one place, work in another, and go shopping in still another place. They will be able to take their kids to the opera or ballet, and will not have to walk or take the bus to the nearest bookstore,” said Councilman Long. “In the 21st Century being successful requires having wheels.”

“It just makes sense. A community where people always have their cars or trucks at hand is a locality where neighborhoods can better lure technology entrepreneurs and businesses to facilitate waves of innovation and brand these neighborhoods as transportation friendly. Ultimately, the benefit is about giving our children an advantage; it is about providing opportunity to every resident in Louisville,” said Ted Baer, Chief of Civic Innovation for Louisville Metro Government.

When asked by a reporter about the problem of skyrocketing gasoline and insurance costs, Councilman Long said, “These cars will all be owned by Louisville Metro government, and simply “on loan” to the residents. The city will provide free gasoline, service, and maintenance, and I have been assured by (Jefferson County Attorney Michael) O’Connell that Louisville is self-insured and is protected by sovereign immunity. If you get hit by a WTF car, you’ll just be SOL.”

THIS JUST IN: Our news director insists that we remind readers that this article is satire. At least parts of it.