Getting Your Kid’s Junk Touched For Thanksgiving

    Over the river, and through the woods,

    To Grandfather's house we go;

    The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh

    through the white and drifted snow.

Back in 1844, when abolitionist Lydia Maria Child wrote this familiar ditty, celebrating her childhood memories of visiting her Grandfather’s house, the only discomfiting thing to worry about was the weather:  “Oh, how the wind does blow!  It stings the toes and bites the nose, as over the ground we go.”  The current generation of kids may be left with somewhat more traumatic memories of the Thanksgiving trip to Grandpa’s

This Thanksgiving, children unfortunate enough to be singled out as suspected bomb-toting terrorists by Transportation Security Administration (TSA) may have to endure a groping that would put a garden-variety pederast to shame.  Of course, the friendly folks over at TSA (all 68,000 of them) want you to know that they derive no personal pleasure in having to handle your or your kid’s private parts; they are merely following orders. 

To help travelers with children plan for this wonderful experience, the TSA has designed a nice little web site with many helpful pointers, to assuage your anxiety.  And for the youngsters, they’ve even put a kid-friendly video on their web site, complete with three darling little moppets who appear on camera to tell the tykes what to expect.

In the interest of making your Thanksgiving sojourn a little more Norman Rockwell-esque, we here at iLocalNews offer these additional suggestions for the weary traveler:

• Tell your kids not to bring any toy weapons with them to the airport.
• No member of your family should be wearing a “Don’t Tread On Me” t-shirt.
• You might remind the kids that TSA agents are “sort of like doctors,” and that it’s OK for them to touch you in your “secret places.”
• Remind your youngsters that a TSA x-ray screening is no more dangerous than a couple of trips into space, through the VanAllen Radiation Belt.
• If you see your cousin Jack at the airport, don’t yell, “Hi, Jack!”

While standing in line, amuse you family with a contest to come up with the best motto for the TSA.  These will get you started:

• “TSA: Glove. No love.”
• “TSA: When dinner and a movie is too expensive.”
• “TSA: When your creepy uncle is out of town on business.”
• “TSA: Reach out and touch someone. In a private place.”
• “TSA: We handle more packages than USPS.”

Read more:  Government announces free x-rays, breast examinations

Read more:  TSA’s web page, about traveling with children

Watch the video:  Young Boy strip searched by TSA

Watch the video:  TSA pulls pants off 71 y/o man with knee implant

Watch the video:  Screening The TSA